If I were a superhero, I would definitely have ninja powers. I would wear skintight pink, and have a long red scarf just like any self-respecting ninja. They'd call me the Pink Kunoichi, and my trademark would be an ornate rose-shaped shuriken, because man ornate shurikens are really cool and roses are totally symbolic.

The police would find my ornate shurikens at the scene of the crime, pinning the hapless criminal to the wall by his coatsleeves, and they'd look up at the ceiling very dramatically, and say, "The Pink Kunoichi..."

My secret identity would be a waitress at Denny's, because really, who suspects a ninja of working at Denny's? I would almost accidentally show my true ninja nature at innoportune moments, such as nearly dropping a tray and doing complex aerobics to catch it two inches from the ground, making sure that not one fry was flipped, and doing it right in front of the obligatory journalist out to put my name to shame. And yet nobody would ever realize that I was really the Pink Kunoichi, because who suspects the waitress of being a ninja?

My arch-nemesis would be a pirate; we'd call him Captain Fedora and his trademark would be hats. Lots of hats. He would change his hat every scene, whether it made sense or not, and they would all be really cool hats. Because let's face it, the Pink Kunoichi can NOT fight a villain who has a lame hat.

He wouldn't be a real swashbuckling pirate, he would be a high-school hacker who pirates software. He would wear a really cool pirate coat over some dorky jeans and a white T-shirt, and he would try to act very intimidating while looking like a complete doofus. He'd threaten me with hacked copies of games and stolen versions of Photoshop and Maya.

Captain Fedora would constantly be tempting me to join the side of evil, and to work for the pirates. I would never accept, however, because ninjas and pirates just do not get along, no matter how far aside they put their differences. I can't work with pirates, no matter HOW cool their hats are.

Besides, cutlasses just do NOT go with pink.